Our Feline Overlords

A Cat

Lately I have been wondering why there is so many cats on the internet. Now I understand – its their latest attempt at world domination.

Introducing… Toxoplasmosis

What would you say if I told you that cats are spreading a mind control parasite that lives in your brain and modifies your behavior. What if I told you that this parasite has affected entire human cultures. It even promotes suicidal behavior in lab rats. And its already affected 50% of the entire human race.

Its true – every word of it. I know that you think its a blown up conspiracy – so here’s the ‘[citation needed]‘ version of the above paragraph. Warning: Scientific Articles – this will put you to sleep.

What would you say if I told you that cats are spreading a mind control parasite that lives in your brain and modifies your behavior. What if I told you that this parasite has affected entire human cultures. It even promotes suicidal behavior in lab rats. And its already affected 50% of the entire human race.

Scary isn’t it? Who thought that a few cute cats would colaberate to cause the collapse of civilization? I, for one, knew it from the beginning. I am sure every cat owner in some point of their life have contemplated such thoughts. Cat owners have known for some time that cats think they are better than us. Winston Churchill knew this – as can be seen in this quote where he compares a cat to a swine…

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

Boys, Girls and Cats

Put a guy in a room with a cat and he will show some restrain in displaying affection for the creature. But if the person in the room is a member of the fairer sex, the response will be something in the line of ‘shooo cuteeee’. And I will not blame them – its just the law of Cat Proximity coming into effect. But due to this cats seem to prefer women over men – it can be seen easily if we look at the symptoms of those affected with toxoplasmosis…

Infected men have lower IQs, achieve a lower level of education and have shorter attention spans. They are also more likely to break rules and take risks, be more independent, more anti-social, suspicious, jealous and morose, and are deemed less attractive to women.

On the other hand, infected women tend to be more outgoing, friendly, more promiscuous, and are considered more attractive to men compared with non-infected controls.

The modus operandi of cats are simple – spread the brain parasite to the rest of the human population, and then control the humans to do their bidding. There are records that proves that this method have succeeded in ancient Egypt. The ancient Egyptians treated cats as gods – and I think the reason is a cute, cat created, zombie parasite.

Recognizing World Domination Behavior

If you have a cat, please keep your eyes open for these signs

  • Sits on your newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the coded message that Garfield sends out every day.
  • Used to sleep on top of TV, now monitors CNN 24 hours a day.
  • Notably absent from home during surprise feline invasion of Poland.
  • When you enter the room, Snowball and the other members of the Tri-Cateral Commission stop talking and begin playing with yarn.
  • Behind the couch you find a forged passport, plane tickets, and nine suicide bombs.
  • What you thought was “heat” is actually a four-legged goose step.
  • Well, *somebody* subscribed to alt.cats.world.domination.
  • Autopsy of the last mouse left on your doormat reveals “tattoo” to be blueprint of the UN Building.
  • Constantly petting that bald man he keeps on his lap.
  • Kitty Chow spilled on the floor spells out “Drop the car keys and leave the door open or the dog gets it in the head.”
  • Then — dead mice in the kitchen. Now — dead third world dictators in the basement.
  • Judging from the kitchen, he seems to be working on some kind of “land mine” technology.
  • Fluffy is now sleeping only 21 hours a day, down from 23.
  • Has recently been acting somewhat… aloof.
  • What your cat lacks in charisma and good looks, he makes up for with his ruthless handling of rival software companies.
  • Somehow, you’re now subscribed to “Feline of Fortune” magazine.

In closing, here is a message from my cat…

I Can Haz … You

Yes, he has laser eyes – bionic implants.

Comments

  1. jetdrvr says:

    You’re right! Old Grey Cat is sitting on my desk and giving me “the look” while I read this.

  2. BinnyVA says:

    @jetdrvr
    I know exactly what you mean. I had to lock up my room when I was writing this article to make sure that none of my cats will barge in. If they catch me writing this article I am a goner.

    I hope they have not subscribed to my feed.

  3. TheAnand says:

    I have this thing for cats, I think i am being controlled already! The other day while I was walking down the stairs, I saw a cat “sleeping” on the wall….as I walked past, I really think he was watching my movements thru the corner of his eyes…. :(

    * Any Anti-Viruses updates or patches available for download? Please HELP!

  4. Niyaz PK says:

    I love cats.
    FELIX

  5. mel says:

    You had me reading the first half of your entry all grim faced, and then the next half onward, I was chuckling in response all my way to the end.This post was intriguing.There seems to be some element of truth in your analysis.Eliot wasn’t exaggerating when he said Macavity’s a fiend in feline shape.But when I look at that pic you’ve posted,I can’t imagine feigning anger on that little glob of candy floss, while calling it “a monster of depravity.”
    I need to be more resolute I think.

  6. BinnyVA says:

    @TheAnand
    If you find a patch, please, PLEASE, let me know.

    @Niyas PK
    Oh – so you are under their control, huh? Too bad.

    @mel
    Last time I saw that ‘glob of candy floss’, it was in the arms of Dr. No.

  7. Vivek says:

    LOL..this is very funny ..I like the term “Toxoplasmosis”

  8. [...] interests. I have cat, he have cat(called India). As a matter of fact, after some research into cats and their brain controlling abilities, I am sure that its India(the cat, not the country) who is actually ruling the US of [...]

  9. DannyB says:

    I think you’re right! At home I have my almost year-old Russian Blue mix “daughter” and my 17+ year-old “brother” (my mother’s cat) grey tabby who both adore me. Enter my best friend’s calico Hillary who has been spitting, growling and hiding since I brought her home for cat-sitting while my friend is on vacation. My sister comes over for a visit . . . Hillary comes out of hiding, purring and rubbing against her and now playing with the year old. It’s completely true!

  10. jesvin says:

    Oh my ceiling cat! Must unsubscribe from icanhascheeseburger….. Oh wait, hovercats learning to fly……… itteh biteh kitteh commision annoying hoomins….. monorail cats developing advanced technology…..

    Will linger for a bit longer….

  11. Jenn Thorson says:

    You’ve convinced me. There is definitely something to this– and I’m glad someone has finally connected all the dots regarding it! The evidence has been there right under our noses all along!

  12. Poor cats… question still remains-who’ll bell the cats?

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